Wouldn't the Ants Be Dead By Then?
by soybean
Summary: [oneshot] What if Hao had written a will before he died? A year after the end of the Shaman Fight, Yoh and company find themselves staring face to face with Opacho, who has come to execute it.


**A/N**: I don't know where this came from. I was actually watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, had a notebook and pen in my lap, and started scribbling nonsense. Anyone notice I love the Asakuras (mainly Hao and Yoh)? Anyway, this is a one-shot and as a warning, some characters may be a tad bit OOC. Rated for language; mention of the word 'ass' and others.

**Disclaimer**: Don't own Shaman King. Hiroyuki Takei does.

No one was sure exactly how it happened. It was a year later. On that exact date, three hundred and sixty-five days ago, the Shaman Fight had ended, and things were back to normal. As normal as it could get, anyway.

Now, everyone was gathered for a reunion at Yoh's place. Their allies, whom were also their friends, had come from all around to have dinner together. Lyserg came from England, Ren from the Tao manor, HoroHoro, Pirika, Tamao, Ryu, Chocolove from their respective locations. And let's not forget Manta, from within local regions.

But they had an unexpected visitor that night.

While Anna was cooking (shock), Yoh and company caught up on old times. HoroHoro and Ren were still at each other's necks from time to time, but as usual, fearing Anna's wrath, it never got out of hand. And then there was a knock at the door.

Yoh opened it to find a small figure standing at his doorway with different-sized packages in tow.

"Opacho come to see Yoh-sama," a soft voice announced.

Out of curiosity, Yoh led Opacho into the house.

That's how the group found themselves sitting around the table, the young child explaining in a seven-year-old fashion the purpose of her visit.

"Before he depart, Hao-sama write 'will'. He ask Opacho to find Yoh-sama if he die," she said, handing Yoh a folded piece of paper and the several packages she'd dragged in.

"That ass must've left you something. Go figure," Chocolove commented.

"It's probably cursed or burnt," HoroHoro's face lit up, "Hey maybe he left us something, too!"

"Yes, baka Ainu, maybe he left his _enemy _a _sock_ from his gloriously evil _foot_," Ren muttered, sarcasm lacing his voice.

"Well the only way to find out is to read it, right?" Yoh interrupted before a fight broke out... Anna would force him to repair any damage from their brawl and he wasn't interested in fixing any broken furniture, or broken bones for that matter.

"Why don't you read it out loud, Yoh?" Manta suggested.

Yoh complied with a shrug, "Sure."

HoroHoro released his grip on Ren's neck, as the latter stopped attempting to stab the blue-haired Ainu with his hair, and the room fell silent waiting for Yoh to start.

"_Hello not-so-dearly beloved,_

_If you are reading this, it means that I am dead or no longer living, both of which mean the same thing, mind you. I know, I know, you can barely contain your sorrow as you drown in your despair."_

Ren let out a snort, "More like unrepressed joy and excitement." 

HoroHoro gestured in Yoh's direction, indicating he should continue.

"_I have very few possessions, but should something tragic – like death or balding – occur (as unlikely as that might be), the following things now belong to the following people._

_1: First and foremost, this will goes to Opacho who I trust to execute it. I also leave Opacho my cloak, for when he outgrows his."_

"**She**! **_Her_**!" Opacho let out a squeal, "This not Opacho's Hao-sama!"

"Doesn't look like his vocabulary has improved much." Ryu whispered to Lyserg.

The latter gave a sympathetic smile in return, and corrected, "Her. Looks like you're still confusing guys with girls and vise versa."

Ryu scratched the back of his head and grinned apologetically.

"_2: My allies, I may have failed you in building the Shaman Kingdom, and for that I am sorry. Shocks me more than it shocks you, but at least I looked pretty doing it. My collection of matches goes to any of you who've survived, for if you died, you were weak. WEAK! You don't deserve my beautifully evil matches._

"_3: I suppose I should leave that family of mine something. Kino, Yohmei, as painful as this is for me to say this, I give you my promise not to burn your spirit to ashes in the afterlife. Even though you deserve it. You-who-were my father, Mikihisa, I've left you a new mask to cover up that horribly burned face. I suppose it is my fault your eyebrows will never grow back and your nose faintly resembles a toilet plunger."_

For the second time that night, curiosity got the better of Yoh. Wanting to see the mask that would replace his father's current bird-beaked one, Yoh grabbed one of the boxes. It was labeled: "For Mikihisa." The others peered over his shoulder as he slowly pulled out its contents.

A brown paper bag.

Yoh blinked, as did everyone else in the room. The bag had circles drawn in marker, indicating there should be holes cut out for the eyes.

Ren was the first to break the silence, "What an idiot."

"Yeah, does he really think it'd fit Mikihisa's head?" Pirika piped in, "Should've given him a trash bag instead."

Yoh put back the new "mask" and turned his attention back to his brother's will.

"_To the last member of my family, my other half, my younger twin brother, Yoh. If you're still alive... and I'm dead, you're probably the cause. Spite! Malice! I leave you with vicious words. I hope you're struck by lightning forty-two times and eaten by earth worms! –insert maniacal laughter– Oh, and I had some extra batteries in the back pocket of my sexy, gorgeous, fireproof, blahblahblah, pants for your headphones that never seem to leave your head. Rechargeable ones, too. Yes, I know I'm good. I also leave my pride, my joy, my Herbal Essence shampoo to you, brother! Someone has to carry on my good looks, hm?_

"_4: Lastly to my brother's faithful friends-"_

"Woohoo! Finally, something for us. See Ren?" HoroHoro cheered smugly, receiving a dark look from the Tao. 

" –_you maggots! Weak little ants who crawl together and move dirt around! Burn! _**[censored]**

"_This concludes my generous charity."_

Ren's glare turned into a smirk, "Told you he wouldn't leave us anything." 

"But what about that package that says 'For the Imbeciles Yoh Calls Companions'?" Tamao asked timidly.

HoroHoro dove for the box and in a rush pulled out its contents.

An ant farm.

"Geez, this guy's really trying to beat the ant thing into our heads, isn't he?" a suddenly bummed out Ainu mumbled.

"Hey guys, there's one last part," Yoh informed the room before reading on.

"_PS – if I should be reincarnated in another five hundred years, I expect all my items returned, intact."_

Ren made a face "...That settles it, the bastard's COMPLETELY insane," he declared.

"Cool! I get rechargeable batteries!" exclaimed a giddy Yoh, looking for his own package.

Lyserg let out a relieved sigh, "Phew, glad he didn't even mention my name." Now that the fire shaman was dead, the green-haired boy wanted nothing more to do with him.

Ryu nodded before latching himself to the Englishman.

"Dinner," Anna announced.

Everyone settled down to eat, content with the food and forgetting all about Hao and his not-so-friendly, but oh-so-egotistical will for the moment.

In the middle of the meal, HoroHoro scratched his head, and said thoughtfully, "Hao wants his things back in five hundred years? Wouldn't the ants be dead by then?"

**END**

**A/N**: Yes, I have a twisted sense of humor. I hope this didn't offend anyone, as my intention was just to write an amusing story. Pop in a review? Thanks!


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